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Change!

Wow, I am very lucky and if you know my past you may say this lady really is off her rocker to think she is lucky. I believe I am lucky because I entered into counseling young (17) I began having to really face the damage and the demons (figuratively speaking) inside me. So somehow I learned how to do that without the self recrimination type struggles that I have since witnessed older people entering into recovery encountering. What I did struggle with was the feeling of worthlessness and shame and hearing my father tell me I was worthless and stupid and worse things he drilled into my head. I had to really fight against the tapes of my dad echoing in my head from minute to minute, had to fight against my inner voice which seemed to be a parrot of my Dad, and the infernal church recriminations about how unworthy we are and how sinful we are and on and on .... but there was a tiny tiny part of me that SHOUTED AGAINST everyone else, "I am somebody, I am good and I am tired of everyone else and church making me feel like I am a nobody and worthless" .... that really almost tanked my healing efforts before I began. So somehow I was able to keep from buying into all the brainwashing and somehow I kept a glimmer of the truth alive inside me ... I am a good person and I am worthy. This is really important to accept because when we look inside of ourselves and see the ugly, scarey, really bad parts of us if you can MAINTAIN the truth that you are a good person and you are worthy but you have a few flaws then suddenly PERSPECTIVE happens and perspective is very important in keeping us from believing or buying into the brainwashing negative bullshit. I have done really bad things in my life ... I have done things I am not proud of and guess what ... I learned from that, what I want to be and how I want to viewed by others. I learned from the mistakes and kept striving and struggling to become a better person and to overcome my many character flaws of which I am still working on but the list is a great deal shorter!! I did it without the drama of bemoaning what a horrible person I am but I did take a virtual hammer to the virtual audio tapes of my Dad's bullshit rhetoric blaring in my head. So I can focus of healing and growing. Occasionally throughout the years when looking inside I cringe and think wow that is really unhealthy or wow that is really ugly part of yourself I just work on changing it but since 17 I have witnessed with high repetition that as many people begin to look within naturally feeling bad about their dark side I see several different responses Oops some Lie to themselves to feel better and think they are past it ...OOPS train just got derailed right there... this is hard enough of a journey without lying to yourself.... Some I have witnessed don't lie to themselves at all but instead make excuses for being that way and then Self Contempt (an example, if thats your thing) kicks in and then they belittle everyone else around them and then they feel better and feel like they are past it... or OOPS! train gets derailed and they puff up with pride saying that's how I am or that's how god made me and by God that's how I plan on being from now... I can promise you God didn't make you to be a infernal mess in your head, life/circumstances a person did and no staying that way isn't doing you any favors or making you any friends, unless it is the birds of a feather kind of friends. Or OOPS! some people looking within become so overwhelmed with the pain that they self medicate and now believe they are in control of it ... The pattern here is we look inside and automatically without any training we attempt to fix it .... which means what to me (THAT CHANGE IS NORMAL AND NATURAL)..but we might not have the skill sets in place or maturity or healing level to make healthy graceful changes. Personally, I blundered through my first 38 years like a bull in a china shop so make no mistake I am not "dissing" anyone. Change is scary! but I say this ... "There is more to fear than change ... and that is remaining the same!" or try this one on for size... "Our misery and suffering is the cage, change is the lock, courage is the key." So ... yes we all have flaws, yes that is normal to have flaws, you can have a flaw and not be a horrible person. I don't think I am a terrible person or put myself down because I have flaws, so you don't need to either. Save your energy! BECAUSE You will need your energy and a clear mind to make certain that you wholeheartedly seek out the type of change needed to overcome the flaws that help hold you a prisoner to your past. Some flaws are maturity based. Some flaws are damage based. Some flaws are occasionally brought to the surface .... Some flaws are resoundingly present all the time .... I believe that flaws are signs of something lacking/missing and I believe flaws can be overcome with understanding, determination and practice. Embrace the growth/change process. There is a transtheoretical "Stages of Change" Model that is worth mentioning here from Personal Empowerment Program. It involves the stages of change from: Precontemplation - you have not even begun to think about it and have no intention of changing Contemplation - thinking about change Preparation - preparing to change Action - taking action regularly but less than 6 months. Maintenance - taking action regularly but longer than 6 months So this is a piece of the "Change" puzzle, if you wonder why change is so hard or you take 2 steps forward and two steps back this helps to understand its a series of stages we move through. Alright I really encourage everyone to be more accepting and loving and Patient towards yourself, your inner child and your flaws including the GROWTH/healing process.
 
 
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