RSS Feed Icon RSS Feed

| More

The Phoenix's Survival Aftermath

This portion of my story takes place between 1980 and 1985.

After the last incest assault at age 12, I began acting out with dangerous and self destructive behaviors. I did not understand that even though the abuse stopped on the physical level, the internal damages were so severe that my behaviors had been dramatically altered. Worst of all, I had no tools or skills or support to cope with the aftermath of the abuse.

Alcohol was immediately needed to self-medicate and numb out the chaos of emotions that I felt. I was drinking myself into complete blackouts. I began hurting myself, started using drugs, downers mostly because my nervous system was shot. I was a complete and utter nervous wreck. Panic attacks, night mares, anxiety attacks were a regular feature in my life.

I thought if I just got drunk or just took some Valium it would make the pain go away but the problem is when I sobered up the pain was still there but I tried so hard to get all the internal emotions under control.

I was raging inside from the injustice. I had so much contempt for society and the adults who I turned to for help as a little girl. I struggled with shame for what had happened. I struggled with hatred towards my father, my family, authority, society and myself.

I was in so much pain and it was all coming from inside me. I felt dead and empty and my loneliness and isolation grew each day. My body was so out of touch with itself from being in a state of disassociation for so long.

I felt waves upon waves of emotions that were so intense and overwhelming that every second I was awake I tried to be drunk or high. I was terrified of sleeping because of the night mares where I kept reliving the assaults. I had no peace, no calm, only chaos and loneliness. Nobody in my school understood me and most people shunned me in part because I was so odd and in part because I wanted to throw it in everyone’s faces how they failed to protect me. A deep depression was setting in and my will to live was being sucked out of me.By 17 I was completely lost in a fog of booze, drugs and severe depression. I moved to Dallas and tried to start over and leave the past in Louisiana. I was in an abusive relationship that I wanted out of and this person was stalking me and telling me he was going to kill me. I am now in my deepest darkest pit of personal hell and decide enough is enough if anybody is going to kill me it will be me. Not my father, not this crazy man stalking me so I decided death was the best thing since nothing in life was right or ever going to be right. I turned on the gas stove and opened a bottle of Honey Wine and gave up my will to live.

Thank God! Something happened that interrupted my last moments and I did not take my life that night, truly, because right now I am living a great life filled with love and I have a beautiful family and friends and I am healthy and I did find my place I had hoped for as a little girl. So thank god I did not kill myself.

Please do not commit suicide, I know how bad it can get and I know how hard it is to dig out but once you are out, really and truly out, life can be so wonderful. Please believe me, I know, I am living it and life can become so wonderful for you too. Hang on for dear life to my words and seek out professional counseling you are no longer alone and yes I believe you can heal and recover.

So say this outloud:
Like a Phoenix Rising from the ashes, I will rise up again whole and renewed!

© Making Up Lost Ground, Incorporated, all rights reserved