The Phoenix's Survival Aftermath
This portion of my story takes place between 1980 and 1985.
After the last incest assault at age 12, I began acting out with dangerous
and self destructive behaviors. I did not understand that even though the abuse
stopped on the physical level, the internal damages were so severe that my behaviors
had been dramatically altered. Worst of all, I had no tools or skills or support
to cope with the aftermath of the abuse.
Alcohol was immediately needed to self-medicate and numb out the chaos of emotions
that I felt. I was drinking myself into complete blackouts. I began hurting
myself, started using drugs, downers mostly because my nervous system was shot.
I was a complete and utter nervous wreck. Panic attacks, night mares, anxiety
attacks were a regular feature in my life.
I thought if I just got drunk or just took some Valium it would make the pain
go away but the problem is when I sobered up the pain was still there but I
tried so hard to get all the internal emotions under control.
I was raging inside from the injustice. I had so much contempt for society
and the adults who I turned to for help as a little girl. I struggled with shame
for what had happened. I struggled with hatred towards my father, my family,
authority, society and myself.
I was in so much pain and it was all coming from inside me. I felt dead and
empty and my loneliness and isolation grew each day. My body was so out of touch
with itself from being in a state of disassociation for so long.
I felt waves upon waves of emotions that were so intense and overwhelming that
every second I was awake I tried to be drunk or high. I was terrified of sleeping
because of the night mares where I kept reliving the assaults. I had no peace,
no calm, only chaos and loneliness. Nobody in my school understood me and most
people shunned me in part because I was so odd and in part because I wanted
to throw it in everyones faces how they failed to protect me. A deep depression
was setting in and my will to live was being sucked out of me.By 17 I was completely
lost in a fog of booze, drugs and severe depression. I moved to Dallas and tried
to start over and leave the past in Louisiana. I was in an abusive relationship
that I wanted out of and this person was stalking me and telling me he was going
to kill me. I am now in my deepest darkest pit of personal hell and decide enough
is enough if anybody is going to kill me it will be me. Not my father, not this
crazy man stalking me so I decided death was the best thing since nothing in
life was right or ever going to be right. I turned on the gas stove and opened
a bottle of Honey Wine and gave up my will to live.
Thank God! Something happened that interrupted my last moments and I did not
take my life that night, truly, because right now I am living a great life filled
with love and I have a beautiful family and friends and I am healthy and I did
find my place I had hoped for as a little girl. So thank god I did not kill
Please do not commit suicide, I know how bad it can get and I know how hard
it is to dig out but once you are out, really and truly out, life can be so
wonderful. Please believe me, I know, I am living it and life can become so
wonderful for you too. Hang on for dear life to my words and seek out professional
counseling you are no longer alone and yes I believe you can heal and recover.
So say this outloud:
Like a Phoenix Rising from the ashes, I will rise up again whole and renewed!